


can't remember lonely

by wanderseeing



Series: poems for all these ships in the night [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Upgraded Connor | RK900, Detroit Evolution Artfest (Detroit: Become Human), Inspired by Octopunk Media's Detroit: Evolution Fan Film, M/M, Octopunk Media, Octopunk Media's Detroit: Evolution Fan Film, Poetry, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25205119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderseeing/pseuds/wanderseeing
Summary: they shouldn't fit, but they do. they shouldn't fit, but they want to.(Poetry inspired by Reed900.)
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Series: poems for all these ships in the night [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826206
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. jagged

**Author's Note:**

> Technically not following a particular prompt for the DEArtfest, but I thought I'd count these as my submission anyway. Hope that's okay! Next chapter will be Nines' perspective.
> 
> Also my first time posting poetry on Ao3 and I won't lie, it's kinda nerve-wracking lmao. Please be gentle. If this goes well, I might create a series for poetry inspired by ships, because it's actually already a project I've just started working on.
> 
> Title from lyrics of 'July' by Boy.

_jagged_

how about we don’t do this,

let’s skip the part where i fall apart and you catch me,

the part where you drag the ground back beneath my feet

and hold me together until i feel steady.

there’s so much shit i want to say and i always convince myself

that none of it holds any weight because it’s just who i am.

who am i to deserve to change? i’ve perfected lying to myself

about wanting things to remain the same.

it feels easier to be angry, to be spitting and spiteful and armed

with sharp teeth. just don’t come any closer,

everything about me is barbed wire and the people who touch me bleed.

i can’t help it, i have to cut first because when i don’t

i’m the only one who gets left with the hurt.

my heart’s always been a battleground and my scars can tell you

i rarely ever win. just look at the mess i’ve made of myself.

i hate that you won’t take a fucking hint,

that you look at me like i’m more than my bitterness and sleepless nights,

that you can you touch me and i feel like i could actually be fine.

how could you be so sure of things? how could

you look at me and think i’ve got anything left to give?

your eyes are sincere and they’re telling me you love me

and your hands could hurt but i’ve only felt them gently

and i’m shitty and hopeful and so damn tired of being right about people,

so damn tired of feeling like everything good 

could only ever be some lesser evil. 

i’m sick of this. i want to stop thinking,

just let myself breathe and hold your hand and cup your cheek and believe 

that i can let myself have you as my one good thing.


	2. cornflower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RK900/Nines' perspective.

_ cornflower _

i don’t know if i’ll ever know myself fully,

if there will ever be a day i wake up and stop finding new places inside me.

it’s difficult, finding a stranger in the mirror,

looking them in the eye and trying to find something familiar.

all i know is how to be brutal but i want to be more,

i think i want too much and give too little and none of it is enough

to be someone fully. none of it is enough to love without being cruel.

inside me is a garden that i’m learning how to tend,

but it’s tentative, and fragile, and there are days i feel like i can’t.

there are days the soil is just ash, and the flowers are empty stems,

like nothing was ever there, and nothing will grow again.

my heart is a little blue thing that could fit inside your fist,

and there are days it takes everything in me not to just hand it over

to someone else and hope they’ll treat it kinder than i’ve ever done.

i’ve starved it, and bruised it, and carved your name all over it,

hoping loving you in quiet will be enough to keep it pliant.

the stranger in the mirror stares past me. i just want to be seen. 

i just want these empty silences to stop feeling so violent,

to stop hurting in so many ways i’ve run out of words for it.

you smile at me and it’s slight and crooked and full of self-hatred

and i want to hold you and kiss it until you smile like you mean it.

i wish i could have you without all this caution tape,

that my body would stop holding itself hostage,

threatening to turn over and die under any hands that aren’t mine.

i want to mean something. i want to be worth the space i take.

i want to stop feeling like i’d rather be unmade just so i can

be rebuilt into someone you won’t push away.


End file.
